The Illusion of Control

Part of my role in the world right now is to lead support groups. I have overseen my church's Stephen Ministry program for 11 years, and have recently broadened this outreach to include a DivorceCare program. I began the second group last night and was struck again by the suffering engendered by a perceived loss of control. A major life event had occurrred for the people attending (divorce/separation) and they were rocked by the disorientation which accompanies this life transition. I listened to the pain of lost dreams and the fear of unknowing. One persons quipped that he was most bothered by the loss of control in his life. That really resonated with me at this juncture in my life. Much of our development from childhood into adults is about making choices, living with consequences, and pursuing a goal/dream. Along the way we develop a sense of self and a sense that we are in control of most everything that happens to us - with the exception of some degree of chance. I can plan my life, but a natrual disaster can come along, or a car accident, or a major medical issue (e.g., cancer), that are the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune". In other words, "bad luck" can happen, but otherwise I'm in control of my future and as long as I live my life in accordance to the rules, I can do ok. Yet, when I'm beset by outrageous fortune, I lose all sense of myself and my understanding of the world and how it operates. I'm surrounded by friends and family who are well-meaning, but who run out platitudes and cliches seeking to help me, but all they do is drive me deeper into the abyss. The illusion of control is very harmful to our health, wellness and wholeness. All of the religious doctrines deal with this delusion in some way or another. We believe, in our adolescent and narcissistic way, that we are the masters of our universe. That all good things have come from us, and that we ourselves control what occurs. I'm able to accomplish my success due to hard work, intelligence, and good luck. We don't often acknowledge that being born in a developed country, of parents who are doing ok, in a nuclear family (as I grew up in), in a family with strong moral values and sense of right/wrong, is not in our control. In fact, it is an act of grace bestowed on us by a loving God who wants the best for us. So when the illusion is shattered, if we are unclear of who God is for us, we have no place to turn - we have lost control. Thus the suffering that occurs for these children of God who come to DivorceCare and other support groups. It is the same for our health and wellness when we are confronted ultimately with our fraility and finitude. There is another narrative that can restore our sense of self and our place in the universe, however. Those of you who are observant in a faith tradition know what I mean. This week marks the celebration of Rosh Hashanah. The foundational story being one of a child who squanders his wealth and wanders for so long that he loses the ability to speak his native language when he finally returns home. The blowing of the shofar mimics his cry of pain and frustration - but G-d knows his voice and let's him back into the kingdom. So it is with persons who have lost their illusion of control, they need to be heard and let back into the kingdom. This week, listen for those who need to hear that they are loved and known. Listen for those who are lost and out of control. Share the narrative of a loving and forgiving God. Return them to a place of health, wellness and wholeness. Peace for the journey, Dan